I've made £420 so far, I do have other things I am waiting to sell and a couple of items that are being tested before they pay me so I'm not sure how its going to be yet. The best I can do is make everything I can and just hope my former employers see that I am doing everything to pay them back. I still can't believe how I've acted in all this. The past year has been a blur, in fact I think the past few years have been a blur. I just haven't looked after myself, allowed things to become all bitter and twisted in my head, got the wrong end of everything and the whole time maintaining a smile and telling everyone that I'm fine and things are great. I have enough people who care about me to talk to so why didn't I just get help?
All my life I've been used to telling people things are fine and that its all OK, and things were great for the first 10 years of my life. My Mum did everything she could to make me happy, one of the greatest people I have ever known, and one day she got sick. She was sick for a few years and one day she told me that she was going to die. A week later and she was gone. I didn't know what to do, my Dad was around but I only saw him at weekends and the only other person was my half brother (we will call him D here). Lets say life with D was different to everything I knew, it felt like I was forgotten about - simply a burden on my brothers life. When my Mum died rather then being sent to live with my Dad (family politics at the time) I was sent to live with D. Things started out a little rocky but generally well and then it all spiraled downhill. I was beaten when I did wrong but never praised for anything I did well...he told me to tell everyone that things are fine otherwise social services will come nosing around. So I did as I was told and even my Dad didn't know how bad things were.
School didn't make things easier, my Mum encouraged me to succeed and even though I was...lets say one of the less popular kids I didn't care because every day I would go home to my Mum and then it was just her and me in our world. When secondary school came I was already living with D and my popularity status remained the same except I felt I was disliked at home as well as school. At this point the only person I'd ever needed to tell my problems to was my Mum and now that she was gone I didn't know who to talk to, not now that I was telling everyone that things were OK through fear of my brother. My only saving grace was staying at my Dads house at the weekends, he worked on Saturday though it was fine because at least I had somewhere I was allowed to be me, well the little of me that I allowed to be seen. Things weren't exactly easy there, my Dads family didn't take too well to me for a lot of our lives...I understand why and now I see them as nothing but family, they have gone out of their way to accept me, however at the time things were different and even though they didn't say much there was always this atmosphere but that is a story for another time.
Just a little insight into my past. I'm still not sure why I am writing all this online, I just feel I have a medium to convey how I feel inside.
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1 comment:
It’s healthy to express your feeling in a positive and creative way, instead of suppressing them until they explode with rage.
I have gone through similar situations. For instance, My mom has had a stroke in the past she’s fine now but, I always worry about her because she’s the closest person in my life. I also see my dad only once a week.
Good Luck, and Thanks for your comment.
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